Tag Archives: power

Because There is No Alternative

Things have been going extraordinarily well, as of late. I’m employed at a fantastic company that I love, with awesome coworkers, good pay, and a real chance at learning and growing. I’m grateful for such an opportunity. My home life is also going pretty well. My lovely oldest younger sister is on a mission for our church and is currently in Utah for training before being sent off to Washington State. It’s super cool. I’m very proud of her. My brother is doing really well for himself, working for a pest control company. What was the first thing he bought? A ton of video games and an epic computer for gaming. My youngest sister is in the grip of mid-high school life, so it’s about as good as it could be for her (rough, but manageable). My parents are happy and my dad might even be able to get off insulin in a year. I might have an opportunity to move out sooner rather than later, and I’m starting up a tiny local business-thing to help me make some extra money. (Don’t worry. It’s not drugs. Yet.) Life is simple and good right now.

So then, why am I feeling so craptastic?

The long answer: I’m halfway into a relationship I don’t know will work, my self-image is crumbling, my health is in decline, I’m still nowhere near to releasing my first film, I’m tired most of the time, I get anxious about the dumbest things, yadda yadda.

The short answer: I’m not perfect.

I know, I know. You can’t be perfect. You can’t expect yourself (or be expected by others) to perform flawlessly and shoot to the top of the ladder at your job, relationship, or whatever else is in your life. You just can’t. To do so causes stress, and for a man who is 24 and has to live at home, that’s a pretty normal. I know, intellectually, that I’m imperfect and that I’m not supposed to be perfect. That said, I know I’m not at my best, that my potential is untapped, that I am nowhere near where I would like to be. It’s rough.

I want to be traveling the world. I want to be making movies. I want to be changing lives. I want to be helping people. I want to be independent. I want, I want, I want, but I don’t have. I’m failing to live up to my own expectations. So I came up with a couple solutions. The first is pretty obvious:

Lower your expectations of yourself.

This tends to be the go-to when I asked for advice on the matter. “You can’t be perfect,” and “you shouldn’t try to do too much,” were common responses. “You need to set lower standards,” was also popular. This might work for you, because your standards might be ridiculous. You might think that you have to raise those four kids, balance a check book, and end world hunger all before 8 in the morning. It’s admirable that you want to do all these things, but it might be a little foolish to try to do it all alone. Which brings me to my second solution:

Try harder.

Maybe your expectations and standards are within reach. You’d probably know better than I would. I personally don’t think my standards are that implausible. I want to live in my own apartment/condo/house, travel to a new place every month (even if it’s just to another city), and make enough money to support myself. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet for some reason it is. In fact, in my experience, this is basically impossible. Why? Because I’m not trying hard enough. I haven’t ever been able to completely focus or devote myself to any one thing – goal or otherwise – without assistance. Or rather, I haven’t forced myself to do so. When the going gets tough, the Tay got going. But that needs to change if I want to reach my goals.

To sum up, there are several roads you can take. You can change your standards, change your course in life, change how hard you work; whatever the case may be. You have the power. And I have the power. Believe.

That not good enough for you? The whole “just be positive” speech doesn’t carry as much thunder once you’ve heard it a dozen times. Allow me to present you with another fact:

Do what you need to do to reach your goal. Do it because there is no alternative. There just isn’t. I got home from a walk in the park a few minutes ago and my dad proceeded to lecture me about my eating habits (which are pretty bad). I’m now officially 70 pounds over my personal weight limit. I have plans to live forever and the gunk in my veins is going to clog up my heart before I get the chance to discover the cure for death. I have to be healthy. It’s no longer an option of “Well, I want abs to looks sexy.” Now it’s “I need to be healthy, or I’m going to die at 30.” There is no alternative. I have no other options.

Neither do you.

You want your life to change? You want to reach your goal? You want to be something more than you are today? Do you want to do something but just can’t find the motivation? Then remember the title of this post. Because you have to do it. You have to. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE. There’s no backup. There’s no checkpoint. There’s no restart. There’s this. This is it. Do not waste what life and time you have. You have to try. You have to do. Because there is no alternative. Humans have proven their resilience time and time again. It’s proof that you can persevere and do it too. It will be hard. It will seem impossible. But you have to. You have no other choice.

Don’t give up! Don’t give in! And always remember to DREAM BIG!

EMPLOYMENT

It’s been a while since I quit my job. I have never felt happier. I left behind the retail industry and I told myself I would never go back.

But the bank is nearly empty and the time has come to be an adult.

Gross.

I was graced with a job opportunity proctoring exams. Essentially, I’d be sitting there making sure people are doing their tests properly. Which will be rather interesting and different. But hey. It’s customer service in a different way. In a room where they aren’t allowed to speak! YES! HA! Sorry. Sorry. That was excited- I MEAN RUDE.

Other than this opportunity, my father came to me and offered me a job with his business, which makes virtually no money. I was skeptical, and still am, but he’s put me in charge of something that I’m fascinated by. I will be running his website. Which currently looks like this. Look at it. Look at how riveting it is.

Needless to say, it needs a lot of work, and while I know nothing about programming, I know some other stuff that might help. I’ve decided to spend 3 hours a day teaching myself how to run a webpage. Intellectually, I know what I need to do, but I need to work on putting those thoughts into action. It will certainly be a challenge, but a welcome one.

I’d like to now talk about how these jobs came into my life. For this, we will be shifting gears here and we’ll be talking about the Law of Attraction, a topic I’m very familiar with.

As stated in a previous post, gratitude is very important. Gratitude is what empowers us. So after quitting my retail job, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. I am pretty sure I spent the first week away from there in total bliss. A few weeks ago, when I was staring at my computer thinking about my blog and my life, I realized that I wanted to become productive again. I started feeling grateful for the money I had, for the opportunities I had, and for the things that I knew where on their way.

When one door closes, another door opens. Maybe not right away, but still. I started getting excited. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew I would be working a job or jobs that would not only meet my annual salary goal, but wouldn’t be retail and would give me room to be creative. I focused on that for a few weeks. I now have basically two jobs that, when combined, pay rent, insurance, food, gas, bills, and a few other expenses while allowing me to save up for big things.

Guys. It worked. The Law of Attraction worked. I was given opportunities to work in fields that will allow my mind to wander into creative realms and even apply them. I will learn about myself, about my career(s), and about who and what I want to be. I’m baffled by these opportunities. I will keep you guys updated. I just thought I’d share that the Law of Attraction does, in fact, work.

Thank you guys for being you. You’re awesome. I’m proud to have you in my life. ^_^

Remember, if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!

The Color Red

I have two favorite colors: yellow and red. I fluctuate between which one I like more depending on my state of mind. Before I continue, let me define my version of “states of mind”.

For me, I have two states of mind. I have a good state and a bad state. Both of these states of mind encompass every possible emotion. Yes, that means that I can be angry in a good state and happy in a bad state. “How can this be? What kind of sorcery is this?” you ask. Here’s what it means: If I’m in a good state, I am able to shake off negative emotions far easier than not. I am able to see the logic behind why I’m feeling a certain way and I am able to find solutions. In a bad state, I am unable to do these things and become completely debilitated.

You could probably guess which state of mind favors red.

Red is the bad state of mind. Even though I can be happy and have a great time, my mind is unable to control how long that good attitude will last. On days like this, I will deliberately go out of my way to wear red, write with red pens, eat red-colored foods (cherries, apples, red velvet cake, etc.), and try to surround myself with as much red as possible. Again, it’s not that I’m angry or in a bad place, per say. But I’m not in control. Let’s examine that for a minute.

According to colormatters.com, red was symbolic of the primal forces. It represents passion, fury, life, and energy. It is a color of radical choices and behavior. When I’m in love with red, my impulse control is all but gone and I follow my instincts and my whims. Fun and dangerous, the color red represents a less-than-optimal use of my time.

I bring this up because over the last few days I’ve become less and less concerned with the important things and began chasing the things that make me feel good. I went on a real date for the first time since my last ex and I broke up. Had I had my whits about me, I feel like it would have gone a lot better, but I’ll spare you the details. My siblings and I were supposed to a special project for my mother, as Mother’s Day is just around the corner. However, none of my siblings were available for various reasons. Their excuses ranged from “I was going to see a movie with a friend” to “I’m working” and while these are okay reasons to not participate, I couldn’t help but feel abandoned to do the entire project alone. It wouldn’t have turned out nearly as good as I had hoped and it wouldn’t mean as much to my mom. So my rage consumed me. What do I do when I get angry? (Besides complain about it on the internet/to friends)

I change my hair! I shaved the sides and back of my head without really looking and because of that, it’s a bit uneven in the back. I then decided to do something I haven’t done in a long time…

Kinda subtle, right?
Kinda subtle, right?

I PUT RED IN IT. My Scarlet Stripe, my Crimson Coil, my Red Ripple. None of the hairstylists I’ve been do would do it for me, either because we were friends and they didn’t trust my idea of style, or because they didn’t trust themselves to do it right. SO I DID IT! Honestly, I love it. I think it’s really cool. Just a subtle little nod to my insanity for all the world to see.

This change in hair color represents a change in attitude. Whether I am a slave to my emotions or not, I will allow the best parts of the color red shine through; passion, determination, heroism, and life. No longer will the “bad state” be a bad thing. All things can teach you, can help you grow, if you know how to use them. Now I’m driven by the color red to accomplish my wonders. I can’t wait to show them all to you. I love you all, you beautiful people, you.

Thanks for reading. Remember: if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!

Fantasy Writing: Magic

The fantasy genre has many qualities about it that completely enthrall me. Among these qualities, one stands out above the rest: MAGIC.

Magic presents us with a variety of themes and feelings that thrill us. Mystical, mysterious, marvelous, and mischievous, magic presents us with a menagerie of majesty. Magic can create meaningful connections between characters, or unleash mayhem upon the world. It’s incredible. With a flick of a wand, spells can turn rats into water goblets. Muttering a binding can link one source of heat to another. Speaking the true name of something can give you power over it. Ingesting certain metals can give you special abilities. Magic presents us with the ability to do the impossible, while also giving us the burden of power. It’s a fantastic thing that brings a whole new level of complexity to a story.

So what about you? How do you use magic? Is it an elaborate system of do’s, don’ts, and rituals? Is it a simple, soft system or a complicated, hard magic? What is your favorite thing about magic? Comment below. I want to know.

ALSO, YOU SHOULD CHECK THIS OUT! I was made a moderator on this subreddit that’s devoted to magic systems. I’m trying to come up with new ideas for it. Right now, it’s just a place to post about your magic system, but I’m trying to figure out what else I can do with it. Magic-building activities or games, perhaps. Any ideas are appreciated. Go create a reddit account and post about your magic system. We want to hear about it! 😀

Love you all. Thanks for reading.

What Goes Down Must Come Up!

Somewhere in high school, I obtained this strange notion that “no one loved me” and that “I didn’t deserve love” and so on. These small feelings grew and consumed me. Much of my teen years were spent lost in doodling and drawing comics to avoid the pain of reality. As I matured into an adult, these feelings were only magnified. Who was I? Where am I going? What am I doing with myself? Life now stood before me and I was unprepared to take it by storm. Why? Because I had locked it out of my mind during my teen years.

So, what brings this up Taydebear?” you ask. Well, dearest reader, allow me to tell you:

Tonight I was a jerk. I am frequently inconsiderate, but not as bad as I was tonight. Wielding the personality of a turd, I refused to become uplifted by the kindness and generosity of a dear friend. Why? Because I’m stressed. What does that have to do with anything? Everything. Like the Fairies of Neverland, I’m so small that I can only feel one emotion at a time. When I feel it, it’s all consuming. Be this joy, pain, love, hate, or (like it has been for the last two months) STRESS. Stress. What a nasty word. I won’t go into what I did exactly, but let me tell you this: I was mean, downright rude, and inconsiderate to a person who has literally done me no wrong since the moment I met him. I cannot think of a time where he has done anything deliberately or otherwise to hurt or offend me, despite the countless times I have done so to him. I realized this at dinner, which is why I didn’t order anything. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to enjoy the kindness he was offering, I would lose it.

He dropped me off after a painfully long and silent car ride, during which I wanted to scream at him: “I’M SORRY! I’M BEING A DINGUS!” But alas, no such words escaped my gaping noise void. If they had, I would have unleashed all the emotional stress I had been building up over the last two to three months. We pulled up to my house and I got out with a quick “Goodnight” and walked around to the back of the house. I hadn’t even gone through the back gate before I started to feel overwhelmingly sad. I spent the next half hour bawling my eyes out behind my house. I fell into a dark place that I haven’t been in in several years. It was so real, so unnerving. My dad found me and we hugged. He, my mom, and I all sat down in their room and talked long and hard about what I’m dealing with.

I told them my worries, my griefs, and my pains. After I got it all out, they offered comfort, tough love, and genuine compassion. They assured me that they weren’t going anywhere, that they’d help me through whatever this nonsense is. My goal to move out is still soon, but maybe not so far as originally intended. We are doing this as a team. Those are my parents. They love their children unconditionally. They give and give and give, hoping to help me grow. They may not have done a perfect job, but they did all they could, and by golly… It’s enough for me.

As to the man I spoke of earlier. I did text him back and apologize. Profusely. And while I feel he has forgiven most of my stupidity, he still hurts from the things I said and did. I must address this man and his character, as I feel I have not captured the truth behind this individual…

This man, who shall remain nameless, might not know what he means to me. (Don’t get your undies in a twist or anything. I’m not talking romantically. Weirdos) He is the kind of person that I met at my brightest time, and he shined brightly with me. We took the world and all its woes in our stride and we have both grown in many ways since we first met. It’s been inspiring to watch his transformation. This man, time and time again, has proven that when he says he wants me to be happy, he means it. This goes back to the beginning… I didn’t deserve love. Especially right now. I behaved like an uncultured swine. Some village somewhere had lost their idiot. It was profoundly disappointing. My behavior, short and simple, was unacceptable. As an adult, as a human being. And yet… even now… He still cares for me. How? Why? I don’t understand. I can’t understand. I mean, sure, I love everybody I come into contact with. I even love those really annoying customers who yell at me for doing my job. I mean, I don’t THANK them for that, but still. We’re all family, right? But why me? What did I do to deserve it?

I don’t know, but dang… I’m sure glad I did it. Mom and Dad and I are working on getting me some professional help. We’re seeking a good doctor who will give me some perspective and maybe some meds. And I’m so excited! Guys! I’m going to be sane soon! The good kind of sane! There’s this stupid stigma with mental illness and such, but people need to get over themselves, admit they have some issues, and go work on them. I told y’all this was the year of the Tay! I am going to rise up to the challenge. I’m going to be living in a new place, with a new job(s), starting my career, building my company, finishing my movie, and hey, maybe – HOPEFULLY – making the world a better place. I know I can do this. I know I can conquer this, or at the very least, I can learn to handle it. You guys have no idea what you’re all capable of.

Be brave, my lovely, powerful readers. Be strong. Life is going to be hard. Life is going to have some sucky moments. But there are people out there who love you, no matter what. And love you, no matter what.

Remember: what goes down must come up. And if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!