Tag Archives: passion

Because There is No Alternative

Things have been going extraordinarily well, as of late. I’m employed at a fantastic company that I love, with awesome coworkers, good pay, and a real chance at learning and growing. I’m grateful for such an opportunity. My home life is also going pretty well. My lovely oldest younger sister is on a mission for our church and is currently in Utah for training before being sent off to Washington State. It’s super cool. I’m very proud of her. My brother is doing really well for himself, working for a pest control company. What was the first thing he bought? A ton of video games and an epic computer for gaming. My youngest sister is in the grip of mid-high school life, so it’s about as good as it could be for her (rough, but manageable). My parents are happy and my dad might even be able to get off insulin in a year. I might have an opportunity to move out sooner rather than later, and I’m starting up a tiny local business-thing to help me make some extra money. (Don’t worry. It’s not drugs. Yet.) Life is simple and good right now.

So then, why am I feeling so craptastic?

The long answer: I’m halfway into a relationship I don’t know will work, my self-image is crumbling, my health is in decline, I’m still nowhere near to releasing my first film, I’m tired most of the time, I get anxious about the dumbest things, yadda yadda.

The short answer: I’m not perfect.

I know, I know. You can’t be perfect. You can’t expect yourself (or be expected by others) to perform flawlessly and shoot to the top of the ladder at your job, relationship, or whatever else is in your life. You just can’t. To do so causes stress, and for a man who is 24 and has to live at home, that’s a pretty normal. I know, intellectually, that I’m imperfect and that I’m not supposed to be perfect. That said, I know I’m not at my best, that my potential is untapped, that I am nowhere near where I would like to be. It’s rough.

I want to be traveling the world. I want to be making movies. I want to be changing lives. I want to be helping people. I want to be independent. I want, I want, I want, but I don’t have. I’m failing to live up to my own expectations. So I came up with a couple solutions. The first is pretty obvious:

Lower your expectations of yourself.

This tends to be the go-to when I asked for advice on the matter. “You can’t be perfect,” and “you shouldn’t try to do too much,” were common responses. “You need to set lower standards,” was also popular. This might work for you, because your standards might be ridiculous. You might think that you have to raise those four kids, balance a check book, and end world hunger all before 8 in the morning. It’s admirable that you want to do all these things, but it might be a little foolish to try to do it all alone. Which brings me to my second solution:

Try harder.

Maybe your expectations and standards are within reach. You’d probably know better than I would. I personally don’t think my standards are that implausible. I want to live in my own apartment/condo/house, travel to a new place every month (even if it’s just to another city), and make enough money to support myself. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet for some reason it is. In fact, in my experience, this is basically impossible. Why? Because I’m not trying hard enough. I haven’t ever been able to completely focus or devote myself to any one thing – goal or otherwise – without assistance. Or rather, I haven’t forced myself to do so. When the going gets tough, the Tay got going. But that needs to change if I want to reach my goals.

To sum up, there are several roads you can take. You can change your standards, change your course in life, change how hard you work; whatever the case may be. You have the power. And I have the power. Believe.

That not good enough for you? The whole “just be positive” speech doesn’t carry as much thunder once you’ve heard it a dozen times. Allow me to present you with another fact:

Do what you need to do to reach your goal. Do it because there is no alternative. There just isn’t. I got home from a walk in the park a few minutes ago and my dad proceeded to lecture me about my eating habits (which are pretty bad). I’m now officially 70 pounds over my personal weight limit. I have plans to live forever and the gunk in my veins is going to clog up my heart before I get the chance to discover the cure for death. I have to be healthy. It’s no longer an option of “Well, I want abs to looks sexy.” Now it’s “I need to be healthy, or I’m going to die at 30.” There is no alternative. I have no other options.

Neither do you.

You want your life to change? You want to reach your goal? You want to be something more than you are today? Do you want to do something but just can’t find the motivation? Then remember the title of this post. Because you have to do it. You have to. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE. There’s no backup. There’s no checkpoint. There’s no restart. There’s this. This is it. Do not waste what life and time you have. You have to try. You have to do. Because there is no alternative. Humans have proven their resilience time and time again. It’s proof that you can persevere and do it too. It will be hard. It will seem impossible. But you have to. You have no other choice.

Don’t give up! Don’t give in! And always remember to DREAM BIG!

The Color Red

I have two favorite colors: yellow and red. I fluctuate between which one I like more depending on my state of mind. Before I continue, let me define my version of “states of mind”.

For me, I have two states of mind. I have a good state and a bad state. Both of these states of mind encompass every possible emotion. Yes, that means that I can be angry in a good state and happy in a bad state. “How can this be? What kind of sorcery is this?” you ask. Here’s what it means: If I’m in a good state, I am able to shake off negative emotions far easier than not. I am able to see the logic behind why I’m feeling a certain way and I am able to find solutions. In a bad state, I am unable to do these things and become completely debilitated.

You could probably guess which state of mind favors red.

Red is the bad state of mind. Even though I can be happy and have a great time, my mind is unable to control how long that good attitude will last. On days like this, I will deliberately go out of my way to wear red, write with red pens, eat red-colored foods (cherries, apples, red velvet cake, etc.), and try to surround myself with as much red as possible. Again, it’s not that I’m angry or in a bad place, per say. But I’m not in control. Let’s examine that for a minute.

According to colormatters.com, red was symbolic of the primal forces. It represents passion, fury, life, and energy. It is a color of radical choices and behavior. When I’m in love with red, my impulse control is all but gone and I follow my instincts and my whims. Fun and dangerous, the color red represents a less-than-optimal use of my time.

I bring this up because over the last few days I’ve become less and less concerned with the important things and began chasing the things that make me feel good. I went on a real date for the first time since my last ex and I broke up. Had I had my whits about me, I feel like it would have gone a lot better, but I’ll spare you the details. My siblings and I were supposed to a special project for my mother, as Mother’s Day is just around the corner. However, none of my siblings were available for various reasons. Their excuses ranged from “I was going to see a movie with a friend” to “I’m working” and while these are okay reasons to not participate, I couldn’t help but feel abandoned to do the entire project alone. It wouldn’t have turned out nearly as good as I had hoped and it wouldn’t mean as much to my mom. So my rage consumed me. What do I do when I get angry? (Besides complain about it on the internet/to friends)

I change my hair! I shaved the sides and back of my head without really looking and because of that, it’s a bit uneven in the back. I then decided to do something I haven’t done in a long time…

Kinda subtle, right?
Kinda subtle, right?

I PUT RED IN IT. My Scarlet Stripe, my Crimson Coil, my Red Ripple. None of the hairstylists I’ve been do would do it for me, either because we were friends and they didn’t trust my idea of style, or because they didn’t trust themselves to do it right. SO I DID IT! Honestly, I love it. I think it’s really cool. Just a subtle little nod to my insanity for all the world to see.

This change in hair color represents a change in attitude. Whether I am a slave to my emotions or not, I will allow the best parts of the color red shine through; passion, determination, heroism, and life. No longer will the “bad state” be a bad thing. All things can teach you, can help you grow, if you know how to use them. Now I’m driven by the color red to accomplish my wonders. I can’t wait to show them all to you. I love you all, you beautiful people, you.

Thanks for reading. Remember: if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!

Filming in Flagstaff

I hate “jobs.” I hate all jobs. I’ve yet to work a job that I can earnestly say “I really like this and can see myself doing this for the rest of my life/for many years to come!” Nope. Not once. Every job I’ve ever had I go “Yup. This is what I know how to do and I do it well.” They’re boring, but that’s not the only reason I hate them.

Jobs are jobs. They give me no sense of accomplishment. I really really thought about it, but I cannot find a single thing it does that makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. Paying bills, being responsible, that’s all wonderful. SO wonderful. But it’s not fulfilling. It’s surviving.

I’m not a survivor. I’m a dreamer.

Do not go gently into that good night! Don’t sit around! Do! DO!

Last weekend, I went up to Flagstaff to film some things for movie that I’m interning on. It was such an amazing experience. I learned more in one day than I did in my 4 months of shooting my own film. I helped take stills, dress the set, talk about shots with my director. What’s amazing was that he actually appreciated what I did, because I just realized as I was typing this that me suggesting things might have been totally been inappropriate for an intern. Urgh. Anxiety.

Regardless, I learned something about myself that day. I will get up at 4:30 with only two hours of sleep and will work my hardest, be professional, and be generally all sorts of awesome AND happy on a film set. Why? How?

It’s something I love. I truly, deeply love filmmaking. I’ve decided that I will find a way to make money doing this. I don’t care what I do, so long as it’s creating movies in some way, shape, or form. It’s what I was born to do.

If you guys have a dream, follow it. You will find happiness beyond your dreams.

Week Recap!

What’s up, my lovely readers? How has your week been? Me? Oh, you know. I quit my job. Put a pause on a friendship. Just the normal stuff.

So at the start of this week (March 23rd), I handed in my two week notice at my current job. My boss is sad to see me go and says I am definitely eligible for rehire, should I need or want to come back. I’m very happy to be leaving on such good terms. One day after that the panic set in. What have I done? I left a stable job for virtually nothing; I had no real prospects in the works. This had to be a mistake. No. No it couldn’t be a mistake. I felt so sure of myself. I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay stagnant any longer.

Maybe the stress got to me, despite my positive attitude. I started another fight with a close friend of mine. He and I get along extremely well when we’re both happy, but if either one of us is in a bad place, we fight like our lives depend on it. It’s childish, but unavoidable. Before any of you say “but if you were more mature, you wouldn’t have this issue” I want to take a good, long look at yourself. I’m sure there are people who have the power to get under your skin no matter how hard you try and resist. If you’re perfect, please share your secret because I’m as imperfect as it gets. Needless to say, the fight carried over to the next day after we went our separate ways and I realized that this was extremely unfair to him and to me. I told him I needed a break and that hopefully we can still be friends. We ended our conversation with “I love you, no matter what” and haven’t spoken since. I mean it’s been less then a week, but it feels like forever.

After detaching myself from any kind of outside influence, I sat down and really thought about my future. Where was I headed? The roads were sprawled out before me and I could traverse any of them. I could go back to my job, out to other similar jobs, stick with my blogging and YouTubing and hope something happened, or any combination therein. But something hit me that hadn’t even occurred to me before: check those Facebook groups I’m a part of. I posted on a couple of these Facebook groups (all of which are dedicated to filmmaking in Arizona) that I was looking for an internship.

20 minutes later, I was offered an internship to work as a production assistant on an upcoming horror film called Carnitas Taco. I’m also going to be casting director and the director’s personal assistant. Carnitas Taco is a feature film that will go beyond regular internet popularity and end up in theaters and on either Showtime Stream or Netflix. Can you imagine?! Four days after putting in my notice, I was offered an internship for something I love more than breathing! It’s so exciting! I’m doing what I love, what I’ve dreamed of doing for years! Sure, I’m not making any money yet, but I’m networking.

THE POWER OF NETWORKING!

Life is changing. I’m moving up in the world, marching forward, and following my heart. I couldn’t be happier. Thanks for reading, guys. You’re all amazing and I’m so happy you’re in my life.

Dream big!