Tag Archives: hope

EMPLOYMENT

It’s been a while since I quit my job. I have never felt happier. I left behind the retail industry and I told myself I would never go back.

But the bank is nearly empty and the time has come to be an adult.

Gross.

I was graced with a job opportunity proctoring exams. Essentially, I’d be sitting there making sure people are doing their tests properly. Which will be rather interesting and different. But hey. It’s customer service in a different way. In a room where they aren’t allowed to speak! YES! HA! Sorry. Sorry. That was excited- I MEAN RUDE.

Other than this opportunity, my father came to me and offered me a job with his business, which makes virtually no money. I was skeptical, and still am, but he’s put me in charge of something that I’m fascinated by. I will be running his website. Which currently looks like this. Look at it. Look at how riveting it is.

Needless to say, it needs a lot of work, and while I know nothing about programming, I know some other stuff that might help. I’ve decided to spend 3 hours a day teaching myself how to run a webpage. Intellectually, I know what I need to do, but I need to work on putting those thoughts into action. It will certainly be a challenge, but a welcome one.

I’d like to now talk about how these jobs came into my life. For this, we will be shifting gears here and we’ll be talking about the Law of Attraction, a topic I’m very familiar with.

As stated in a previous post, gratitude is very important. Gratitude is what empowers us. So after quitting my retail job, I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. I am pretty sure I spent the first week away from there in total bliss. A few weeks ago, when I was staring at my computer thinking about my blog and my life, I realized that I wanted to become productive again. I started feeling grateful for the money I had, for the opportunities I had, and for the things that I knew where on their way.

When one door closes, another door opens. Maybe not right away, but still. I started getting excited. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew I would be working a job or jobs that would not only meet my annual salary goal, but wouldn’t be retail and would give me room to be creative. I focused on that for a few weeks. I now have basically two jobs that, when combined, pay rent, insurance, food, gas, bills, and a few other expenses while allowing me to save up for big things.

Guys. It worked. The Law of Attraction worked. I was given opportunities to work in fields that will allow my mind to wander into creative realms and even apply them. I will learn about myself, about my career(s), and about who and what I want to be. I’m baffled by these opportunities. I will keep you guys updated. I just thought I’d share that the Law of Attraction does, in fact, work.

Thank you guys for being you. You’re awesome. I’m proud to have you in my life. ^_^

Remember, if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!

What Goes Down Must Come Up!

Somewhere in high school, I obtained this strange notion that “no one loved me” and that “I didn’t deserve love” and so on. These small feelings grew and consumed me. Much of my teen years were spent lost in doodling and drawing comics to avoid the pain of reality. As I matured into an adult, these feelings were only magnified. Who was I? Where am I going? What am I doing with myself? Life now stood before me and I was unprepared to take it by storm. Why? Because I had locked it out of my mind during my teen years.

So, what brings this up Taydebear?” you ask. Well, dearest reader, allow me to tell you:

Tonight I was a jerk. I am frequently inconsiderate, but not as bad as I was tonight. Wielding the personality of a turd, I refused to become uplifted by the kindness and generosity of a dear friend. Why? Because I’m stressed. What does that have to do with anything? Everything. Like the Fairies of Neverland, I’m so small that I can only feel one emotion at a time. When I feel it, it’s all consuming. Be this joy, pain, love, hate, or (like it has been for the last two months) STRESS. Stress. What a nasty word. I won’t go into what I did exactly, but let me tell you this: I was mean, downright rude, and inconsiderate to a person who has literally done me no wrong since the moment I met him. I cannot think of a time where he has done anything deliberately or otherwise to hurt or offend me, despite the countless times I have done so to him. I realized this at dinner, which is why I didn’t order anything. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to enjoy the kindness he was offering, I would lose it.

He dropped me off after a painfully long and silent car ride, during which I wanted to scream at him: “I’M SORRY! I’M BEING A DINGUS!” But alas, no such words escaped my gaping noise void. If they had, I would have unleashed all the emotional stress I had been building up over the last two to three months. We pulled up to my house and I got out with a quick “Goodnight” and walked around to the back of the house. I hadn’t even gone through the back gate before I started to feel overwhelmingly sad. I spent the next half hour bawling my eyes out behind my house. I fell into a dark place that I haven’t been in in several years. It was so real, so unnerving. My dad found me and we hugged. He, my mom, and I all sat down in their room and talked long and hard about what I’m dealing with.

I told them my worries, my griefs, and my pains. After I got it all out, they offered comfort, tough love, and genuine compassion. They assured me that they weren’t going anywhere, that they’d help me through whatever this nonsense is. My goal to move out is still soon, but maybe not so far as originally intended. We are doing this as a team. Those are my parents. They love their children unconditionally. They give and give and give, hoping to help me grow. They may not have done a perfect job, but they did all they could, and by golly… It’s enough for me.

As to the man I spoke of earlier. I did text him back and apologize. Profusely. And while I feel he has forgiven most of my stupidity, he still hurts from the things I said and did. I must address this man and his character, as I feel I have not captured the truth behind this individual…

This man, who shall remain nameless, might not know what he means to me. (Don’t get your undies in a twist or anything. I’m not talking romantically. Weirdos) He is the kind of person that I met at my brightest time, and he shined brightly with me. We took the world and all its woes in our stride and we have both grown in many ways since we first met. It’s been inspiring to watch his transformation. This man, time and time again, has proven that when he says he wants me to be happy, he means it. This goes back to the beginning… I didn’t deserve love. Especially right now. I behaved like an uncultured swine. Some village somewhere had lost their idiot. It was profoundly disappointing. My behavior, short and simple, was unacceptable. As an adult, as a human being. And yet… even now… He still cares for me. How? Why? I don’t understand. I can’t understand. I mean, sure, I love everybody I come into contact with. I even love those really annoying customers who yell at me for doing my job. I mean, I don’t THANK them for that, but still. We’re all family, right? But why me? What did I do to deserve it?

I don’t know, but dang… I’m sure glad I did it. Mom and Dad and I are working on getting me some professional help. We’re seeking a good doctor who will give me some perspective and maybe some meds. And I’m so excited! Guys! I’m going to be sane soon! The good kind of sane! There’s this stupid stigma with mental illness and such, but people need to get over themselves, admit they have some issues, and go work on them. I told y’all this was the year of the Tay! I am going to rise up to the challenge. I’m going to be living in a new place, with a new job(s), starting my career, building my company, finishing my movie, and hey, maybe – HOPEFULLY – making the world a better place. I know I can do this. I know I can conquer this, or at the very least, I can learn to handle it. You guys have no idea what you’re all capable of.

Be brave, my lovely, powerful readers. Be strong. Life is going to be hard. Life is going to have some sucky moments. But there are people out there who love you, no matter what. And love you, no matter what.

Remember: what goes down must come up. And if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!