Tag Archives: hilarious

Video of the Week: Doraleous and Associates

I’m going to pretend like this is a regular thing and who knows? Maybe it will become a regular thing.

For those of you who are not yet aware, I love YouTube. I think the idea of sharing videos with people is amazing thing and I love perusing the corridors of the World Wide Web Wilds in search of the things that make me happy. Chief among aforesaid things is my desire to laugh. My sense of humor is relatively stagnant, in that it doesn’t change as frequently as everything else in my life does, but lately I’ve been drawn to this kind of humor.

If you finished watching the episode (or skipped it to continue reading) instead of just leaving the page altogether, thank you. You and I can be friends.

-SPOILER ALERT-

My favorite character in this video (and throughout the show) is definitely the Lady of the Lake. Keeper of the mighty Zephyr Blade, the Lady of the Lake is a sarcastic Pond Woman with a pathological need to annoy people. You can imagine why I like her so much.

"Behold, DeLorean, the TRUE Zephyr Blade!"
“Behold, DeLorean, the TRUE Zephyr Blade!”

When asked, the Lady of the Lady will present adventurers and warriors from across the land with various objects (while claiming they are the true Zephyr Blade). She’s a sociopath who makes fun of the people who come to see her by sarcastically insulting their character or mispronouncing their names. She also sends people on ridiculous and life-threatening quests just for the fun of it. Probably bored with waiting for (possibly) thousands of years for the Chosen One to arrive and take the Zephyr Blade, or emotionally distanced because she’s tired of people coming to her and being disappointed in not receiving the magical blade of magicness, The Lady of Lake now seeks but one thing: entertainment.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, as well as Doraleous and Associates. May your day be a little better, the laughs a little heartier, and the may the Zephyr Blade be yours one day!

Dream big!

30 of the Best Jokes You’ll Ever Read

How many times were you promised a good joke, but it never came? Well, I’m about to share some with you. If you laugh, subscribe to my blog. There’s plenty more where that came from. If you have jokes of your own, leave a comment! ūüėÄ

  1. What do noisy peppers do?
    They get jalapeno business!
  2. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender looks and says “hey, you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants!”
    The pirate says “Arrg, It’s driving me nuts!”
  3. Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
    Fo’ drizzle.
  4. Why does Peter Pan always fly around?
    Because he never lands.
    (That joke never gets old)
  5. You can always trust massage parlors because…
    They always have your back!
  6. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?
    They’re making headlines.
  7. Two men walk into a bar.
    The third man ducks.
  8. Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee?
    Because he drank it before it was cool.
  9. The restaurant on the moon is okay.
    Great food, but no atmosphere.
  10. I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but then I turned myself around.
Bad Joke Eel is waiting for you to get it.
Bad Joke Eel is waiting for you to get it.

Eh? Ehh?! Not doing it for you? Maybe you’ve got an anti-joke thing going on. Don’t worry. I got a few of those too.

  1. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
    A stick.
  2. What do you call a black man on the moon?
    An astronaut.
    (You racist)
  3. Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
    Because he was hit by a bus.
  4. How do you confuse a blonde?
    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
  5. A horse walks into a bar.
    Several people get up and leave due to the potential danger of the situation.
  6. A baby seal walks into a club.
    It was tragic.
  7. What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
    Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
  8. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
    Get in the Batmobile, Robin.
  9. What’s red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick.
  10. Knock Knock?
    Who’s there?
    Dave.
    Dave who?
    Dave proceeds to break into tears because his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Anti-joke chicken doesn't mess around.
Anti-Joke Chicken doesn’t mess around.

Last last one reminded me of knock knock jokes. I used to hear some great ones as a kid, but truth be told, they were my least favorite kind of joke growing up. So hears some other jokes that are totally unrelated.

  1. Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
    The first one says: “Boy, it’s hot in here.”
    The second one says: “HOLY ****! A TALKING MUFFIN!
  2. How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    One. He stands still and the world revolves around him.
  3. What did the black guy, the Asian guy, and the Latino guy all have in common?
    Believe it or not, they all loved cantaloupe.
  4. What do you call a psychic dwarf who just escaped from prison?
    Small medium at large!
  5. A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The bartender says “Hey! We don’t serve food here!”
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
    One turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny to you?”
  7. I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
  8. What’s black, white, and red all over?
    Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
  9. Why are they called “hemorrhoids”?
    Because “asteroids” was taken.
  10. What do you call a fly with no wings?
    A walk.

So there you go. I hope this brighten up your day a bit.

Cooking With Tay (AKA Learning Lessons The Hard Way)

WARNING: This post may contain obscene gestures and profane language. Readers under the age of 14 are advised to leave.

So, you’re staying, eh? Well, I can’t stop you. Yet.

Among the few skills and talents I posses, cooking is one of them. Assuming, of course, that the moon is in Waning Gibbous, I’m single, God in His infinite mercy is looking down upon me, the local pagans aren’t casting their freaky voodoo*, and my astrology results say so. Tonight was not one of those times. The stars were un-aligned and the ensuing debacle –¬†a sudden and ignominious failure, as it were – caused me such despair¬†that I felt I might as well have cooked up a lump of fecal¬†savagery. Needless to say, I was distraught. It needn’t be said.

The evening started off well; optimism flaring out of me the sun’s sensual radiance, stomach excitedly gurgling like an alligator trying to intimidate the baby bunny dangling from a branch it was accidentally dropped on to by the drunk hawk that snatched it up in the first place. I wandered down the stairs and charged into the kitchen, bringing my phone with me to record the marvelous feat I was about to commence.

Oh, dear, I thought as I opened the cupboards.¬†There isn’t any bread. Or soups. Or other common household things we Americans find in our panties pantries. I simply must use whatever I can lay my perfectly manicured hands on. (Thanks Gage)

Here’s what I found:

  • A mini-orange
  • A white grapefruit
  • An apple
  • Honey
  • Cinnamon
  • Maple Syrup
  • Maple-flavored frosting
  • Salt

What a list! I attempted to cut up the grapefruit with the intention of making a sour-sweet fruit salad and ended up grinding the poor thing to a pulp. Literally. So the juice and pulp went into a bowl. I thought, no big deal. I still have the mini orange! I proceeded to peel and separate each of the carpels with juicy vesicles. I dropped them into the grapefruit pulp-juice and then added honey, maple syrup, and cinnamon (I didn’t have real sugar to sweeten this). It was at this time that I discovered a¬†package of ramen noodles and decided,¬†Hey! I can use the citrus soup to make some kind of citrus broth for my noodles!

Here is the result of that thinking:

Oh mercy. What have I done?!
Oh mercy. What have I done?!

It seemed harmless enough. It didn’t smell¬†too bad. So I did what anyone thinking logically would have done. What? Throw it away? Pffft! Don’t be silly. I stuck it in the¬†microwave.

Somebody! Anybody? Stop me! PUT AN END TO THE MADNESS!
Somebody! Anybody? Stop me! PUT AN END TO THE MADNESS!
TA-DAAA! DEATH IN A BOWL!
TA-DAAA! DEATH IN A BOWL!

After two minutes of cooking, I thought, that’s good enough! I pulled it out. The odor was like some kind of gas from the butthole of Satan. I was thinking, I’ve had worse! And I am reeeeeally hungry. Surely you can’t be that bad.

YES IT CAN! (and don’t call me¬†Shirley)

I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN CHURCH! I'M GOING TO DIE A SINNER!
I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN CHURCH! I’M GOING TO DIE A SINNER!

Ahem…

I mean... Mmmmmm....
I mean… Mmmmmm….

So I proceed to devour half of this bowl of noodle-y butt venom. It doesn’t taste horrible. Every now and then I get spikes of bitter from the grapefruit so it kept things interesting. The noodles were super elasticized and rubbery so they were flopping all over the place like a limp duck… DUCK, you perves. As you can imagine, rubbery, elastic-y noodles and citrus juice can make for some pretty hilarious shenanigans. Unfortunately for me, the debauchery that unfolded happened to MY EYE.

GAH! SONOFAB*TCH!
GAH! SONOFAB*TCH!

After struggling to eat this heaping, steaming, reeking pile of dysentery** in a bowl, I decided enough was enough and to hell with the starving children around the world trying to guilt trip me into eating what would come to erode through our pipes and destroy our plumbing***.

Be gone, you foul, loathsome, whore of putrescence and abominations!
Be gone, you foul, loathsome, whore of putrescence and abominations!

After this mind-numbing meal vacated our home, I decided to eat the apple. But why stop there?! I had failed once to make something unique. Surely it couldn’t happen a second time.

I sliced up the apple, threw nearly a pound (nearly 0st 1.0000 stone) of cinnamon on it, added a little water and two heaping tablespoons of maple frosting, and tossed all of it into a blender.

Tantalizing, isn't it?
Tantalizing, isn’t it?

After creating what I can safely describe as “blender defecation” that had an delicious aroma, I poured them into cups.

mmmm....
mmmm….
Evenly poured. #boss
Evenly poured. #boss

It was warm, so I wanted to chill it. My stomach started roaring, begging for food. I went out to the garage fridge (we’re fancy and we have two empty fridges) and put these two cups in the freezer to chill. And look what happened.

Here you go, little guys...
Here you go, little guys…
Wait.... Wait... What are...? WAFFLES?
Wait…. Wait… What are…? WAFFLES?

…..

...

DOO-DOO-DOO-DA-DOO-DOOOO. THAT’S TAY! Oooo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

This is why you love me!
This is why you love me!

* I’m educated enough to know the difference between Pagans and Voodoo. Just enjoy the absurdity.

** Because SCREW grammar

*** It wasn’t that bad. It just was high in acidity.


PS. Going to bed hungry isn’t all that bad. Except I have to work in the early morning and don’t have any food for breakfast because I butchered what little fruit we had.

PPS. OMG. WAIT. WE HAVE WAFFLES!