If you haven’t figured that out by reading my blog, then I’m pretty pleased with myself. And thank you. But yes. It’s true. I’m awkward. Very awkward. I’m a steamy pile of awkward laced with awkward flakes.
How awkward, you ask? Tina Belcher awkward.
For example, my ex just changed his profile picture. Now my romantic feelings for this particular person have been long dead, but when I saw this picture, I immediately sent a Facebook message that read: “Hey ho. That new profile pic. It’s um….. Uh… You’re gorgeous.” I then proceeded to literally run away from my laptop and flipped on Bob’s Burgers to avoid anxiety.
The great awkward doesn’t stop there. Oh no. That’d be too easy.
While I was in Seattle, my best friend and I happened upon half a dozen musicians. All of them were fun to listen to, but there was one in particular who was magical; attractive, talented, free-spirited. This mystical musician had CDs for sale and when I went up to buy one, I’m fairly sure I just held my cash far enough away from him that he had to reach for it across his stuff. I think I tried to say “I’d like to buy a CD,” and “You’re very talented.” I’m almost certain what came out was incoherent babble and some variation of “I’d like to buy you.”
Now let’s look at situations that don’t involve me spewing my rainbows everywhere.
I was 15. I was mad at my parents. We were at Denny’s and I ordered a Sprite defiantly (even though soda was acceptable). No wait. It wasn’t Denny’s. It was Village Inn. Definitely Village Inn. Because it’s a booth that was round and booth-y. It was definitely Villain Inn.
So I was 15 at Village Inn and I was mad at my parents. I was determined to be grumpy while I sipped at my sprite. I was keeping my mouth full of fluids so that mean words wouldn’t spew out of it. The server came to our table to take our orders. She was beautiful and it threw me off. I wasn’t angry anymore, but I was still sipping sprite. When my mouth was full, the server turned to me, tucked her hair behind her ear (which I think is adorable), and asked me what I wanted.
“Can I get the waffles?” I asked. With a mouthful of Sprite.
It came out “clnn igrt ffrrrles.” Sprite erupted out of my gaping noise void and cascaded onto my lap. Our server laughed. My parents laughed. I cried inside.
I’m hilarious. But super awkward.
Someone please love me.